By Donna Bozzo

Special to the Tribune

To make sure your child feels loved, make sure you speak her language.

According to Gary Chapman, author of the "The Five Love Languages of Children" (Northfield Press, $12.99), people receive and give emotional love in different ways. Chapman breaks down the communication of love into what he calls five distinct languages: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts and acts of service. He believes all people, especially children, receive and understand love best through their primary love language.

"You may truly love your child, but unless she feels it, she will not feel loved," Chapman said. "In raising children everything depends on the love relationship between parent and child. When your children receive your love in a way they best understand it--through their primary love language--it will show up in their behavior."

"Whether you call it love language or understanding their unique personality, we encourage parents to find out what motivates their children--what makes them feel loved," said Claudia Arp, author of "Suddenly 13 or The Art of Hugging a Cactus" (Zondervan Publishing House, $12.99). "And children are unique. You have to find a special way to bridge a relationship with each of them."

Corazon Coronel of Carpentersville noticed some radical behavioral changes in her middle child, Christa, shortly after she gave birth to her youngest daughter.

"Christa's grades went down, and she started having trouble in school," she said. "I didn't know what was wrong. She never had school problems before. One day Christa told me she wanted to be a baby again. I knew right then what Christa was missing--time with me. I was spending so much time with my newborn daughter, I wasn't spending enough time with Christa."

Coronel said that by zeroing in on Christa's form of love language--quality time--and making some small efforts to carve out extra time with her, Christa's school problems quickly disappeared. Now Coronel schedules what she calls kidnap days: picking Christa up from school for some surprise quality time.

"On kidnap days we spend time at the park or watch a movie," she said. "It doesn't matter what we do. It's just important that we spend time together."

"Quality time is so important--you can't package the time you spend with your children," agrees family and child psychologist Jeanne Beckman, who has a doctorate in clinical psychology. "It's time for them to open up and talk to you--and it provides you a venue to share your values and beliefs."

When spending time together, Beckman suggests you follow some guidelines to make sure the time is valued by both. "I call them date rules," said Beckman. "When scheduling special one-on-one time make sure you keep the conversation positive and supportive.

"In other words, don't nag them or bring up topics that cause conflict. You're taking the time to pay attention to them to make them feel good about themselves."

But quality time is not the best approach for all children. Some crave different displays of love. To find out your child's unique voice, first observe her behavior.

"Pay attention to what your children give you," Arp said. "How do they try to please you? Odds are they are telling your their distinct love language. You usually reach out to others with what means most to you."

If your child passes out hugs, physical touch may be her love language. If she leaves little gifts on your pillow, her love language may be gifts. If she always has a kind word, words of affirmation may be more her style.

"When complimenting children, pay attention to their reaction," advises Beckman. "Although they crave affirmation, some children are uncomfortable with direct compliments. It's like direct sunlight; it can be blinding. Look to compliment your children's efforts instead of their attributes. Tell them they do a great job of cleaning their room. Or tell them you admire how hard they worked on their art project."

Another way to learn your child's love language is to listen to his complaints.

"Does your son complain that the two of you never take walks since the baby was born?" he said. "His love language may be quality time."

Love speaks loudest through a child's primary language, but Chapman suggests parents still continue to rely on other expressions of love.

"Give your children heavy doses of their primary language and sprinkle on the other four," Chapman said. "Odds are your children will someday marry, work or befriend someone with a different love language than their own. Being well versed helps them develop relationships down the line."

Many parents will shower their children with their own love language because it's their most comfortable expression of love. For example, a person who likes to give and receive gifts may get into the habit of giving her children presents to show love. Say this person returns from a trip and gives both of her children souvenirs. One child may be thrilled with the item. The other child may be thankful for the gift, but would prefer to sit and talk to her mom about her travels.

"Children have unique needs for affection," Chapman said. "That's why it's important to identify their individual love language. If you only speak your own love language to your children, you may be giving a double dose to one and none to the other."

Parents can also run into problems as their children become teenagers.

"You can't treat a 12-year-old like a 10-year-old," said Arp. "Change is obvious when your child goes from being a baby to a toddler. Even though it's not as obvious as they grow older, it's still important. You have to refocus your approach."

"As your children mature you have to find different ways to tap into their love language," Chapman said. "Their love language may still be words of affirmation, but teens don't want to hear the same things they heard as children-- to them it's baby talk."

Tammy DeMario of Mentor, Ohio, struggled for a way to bridge a relationship with her 13-year-old stepdaughter, Amanda. "Amanda rejected me and my attempts to show love to her," DeMario said. "Amanda was dealing with big issues from her parents' divorce, so her emotional needs were great. I knew I needed to love and encourage this child, but it became more difficult as she began acting out at me."

DeMario started leaving Amanda little notes of encouragement as the lines of communication broke down. Now the two share a journal. The journal provides Amanda a safe place to put down her thoughts and gives DeMario a venue to support Amanda through her primary love language: words of affirmation.

"Amanda is very loving toward me now," she said. "Her behavior has improved a hundred percent."

"By finding your child's unique voice in love, tailoring your attention and refocusing that attention as he grows older, you are bridging a relationship with him," Arp said. "And when they grow up and leave the house, that bridge is all you have."

Love language No. 1: Physical touch

These children feel loved when they are touched. Hugs and kisses are the most common way to express this language, but there are other ways too. Dad tosses his year-old son in the air, wrestles with his 10-year-old on the floor or spins his 7-year-old daughter round and round. Or Mom reads a story to her 3-year-old sitting in her lap.

Love language No. 2: Words of affirmation

These children want to hear testimonies of your love. Words like "I love you," "Atta boy," or "I'm so proud that you passed your math test," speak loudest to them. Words of affirmation fall into two categories: words of endearment and words of praise and encouragement. Words of endearment support the child for who she is. Words of praise and encouragement support the child's efforts.

Love language No.3: Quality time

Time with Mom or Dad is important to these children. They love spending time with their parents, whether it's watching a movie, going for a walk or just sitting in the kitchen talking. "You don't have to go somewhere special for quality time," Chapman said. "You can provide focused attention anywhere."

Love language No. 4: Gifts

These kids treasure any token of affection. They get excited over souvenirs, a new sweater or just a surprise candy treat. Gifts don't have to be big or costly, but they have to be given out of love and not a substitute for it. "For parents to truly speak this love language, the child must feel his parents genuinely care," Chapman said. "To do this parents should rely on the other four languages in addition to gift giving."

Love language No. 5: Acts of service

Children with this primary love language love being taken care of. They love it when their parents help them with their homework, spend time tinkering with their old beater car or make a terrific Halloween costume for them. It is important that parents balance this approach with age-appropriate boundaries, teaching children to take care of some things on their own.

"You want to raise your children to be independent," Chapman said. "So even though your child's love language is acts of service, it's still important not to do everything for them."